In this episode we dive into the energetic skills of a co-creative, self-aware relationship with a partner.
We dive into:
-Managing your energy + how that energy co-creates with another person in a relationship
-On becoming the version of you who has what it takes
-Clearing out relational distortions
-Grounding safety into your being instead of needing your partner to provide it
-His “Damsel in distress” coding + her “Damsel” coding
-Clarifying unspoken agreements
-Choosing energetically “clean” ways of being
If you like this one, come binge articles and join conversations about it in The Immortal Odyssey Network at www.ImmortalOdyssey.com
In this episode we dive into the energetic skills of a co-creative, self-aware relationship with a partner.
We dive into:
-Managing your energy + how that energy co-creates with another person in a relationship
-On becoming the version of you who has what it takes
-Clearing out relational distortions
-Grounding safety into your being instead of needing your partner to provide it
-His “Damsel in distress” coding + her “Damsel” coding
-Clarifying unspoken agreements
-Choosing energetically “clean” ways of being
If you like this one, come binge articles and join conversations about it in The Immortal Odyssey Network at www.ImmortalOdyssey.com
Welcome to the immortal Odyssey podcast where we break esoteric spirituality, false light and predictive programming, and make the process of consciousness expansion tangible. I'm your host, Ryan Mintz,
Annie Earhart:together with Annie Earhart, and we are here to help you be more human.
Ryan Mintz:This topic probably comes up more than any other topic that I've discussed on my stories that we've actually come across four topics on the podcast for programs that people want. People want to know, how do you create a conscious relationship? Or how do you find a conscious relationship? So more accurately bits? What they usually ask is, how do you find a conscious relationship? How do you how do you meet a conscious partner, they they seem so rare. And the first thing I'm going to change for you is stop looking for a conscious relationship and recognize that every relationship that you ever come across has potential for becoming more, more conscious holding more personal responsibility within that container. And that's not something that starts from the moment you meet somebody, no matter how conscious somebody is, as an individual, let's say somebody has been spending some time single getting to know who they are, they've got some spiritual practices, maybe they've done some healing work. And a lot of times, you might think, oh, let me find somebody who's been doing that, if they've been doing that they're going to be a pro and a relationship. And the thing that's missing in that fundamental understanding is that the relationship is or is an area where our strongest mirrors are going to be brought to the surface or strongest programs about what love is, our strongest behavioral patterns are going to be brought to the surface in relationship. So no matter how much work that you think you have done outside of relationship, in terms of self awareness, in terms of personal practice, the relationship is always going to trigger beyond anything you could have prepared for. And that's the whole point of it, right, you can do all this work, you can do all this prepping, you can, you can think you are so ready to be invested in this relationship. And that new relationship, the next relationship is going to bring up your shit, it's going to bring it up in some way, because that's where we learn the most is in relationship because we have a direct mirror that is present for us around the clock, 24 seven and all of our behaviors. So so that's really important for people to recognize from the beginning, is that no matter how much work you do outside of the relationship, you have, you're still going to have learning when you enter into a partnership of any kind, no matter how conscious somebody was outside of the partnership.
Annie Earhart:So I would hope that that would flip a lot of things around immediately because no no relationship starts out as this this grand fully conscious thing. Like it's it's a living, breathing thing that you build together that you co create with another person. So you're not just going to stumble upon it, like Disney would have you believing? Well, let's
Ryan Mintz:let's look at it a little bit. What do people think it is? What do people think a conscious relationship is because a lot of times it's rather amorphous. So you either have people who are single, and they've had a series of, let's say, disempowering relationships, relationships that did not meet their, their imagined dynamic that that they really wanted. And so they start doing consciousness work, and they're like, Oh, this has helped me grow so much, how do I find a partner that wants to do this with me. And so they have almost this fairy tale ideal about what a conscious relationship looks like. And it boils down to this, they believe a conscious relationship is safe from day one, they don't realize that safety is cultivated internally. So if you don't feel safe outside as yourself to begin with, the partnership is actually going to initially make you feel less safe, not more safe. And so you have to know how to find safety within yourself first, otherwise, that relationship is never gonna feel safe. And you're you're hoping that this conscious partnership is going to create a platform for safety from the beginning. And that's not quite how that all ends up working out. You have to create the platform within the container, and co create that platform and a lot of ways but also you need to first recognize that's something that you need out of your partnership, because if you keep coming into this relationship or your past relationships where you're upset that you can't trust your partners, none of your partners have been trustworthy, they are dishonest in some way. You have to look at your own judgments of yourself initially to see where you are not honest with yourself where you are judging yourself for areas that you're not entirely authentic or honest. And then you keep seeing dishonesty or inauthenticity and other people. And all of this as I keep going through this chat today, we're going to keep showing you where you have these These areas of your relationship where you want the other person to behave a certain way so that you can feel comfortable so that you can feel good so that you can feel safe. And what I want to remap for you as we go through this process is how do you cultivate those things for yourself internally? First, how do you find what those needs even are so that you can cultivate those for yourself first, and then out of that dynamic, you can start to build a more conscious relationship because at the end of the day, a conscious relationship is not found. I don't care how conscious the people are, how many Iosco ceremonies and plant medicines and, and meditation journeys that these people have done. It is completely irrelevant when it comes to learning the skills of a co creative relationship where there are two energies present, that need to mix and match and create a real reality. And even if you've both done the work separately, learning to manage your own energy and learning how that energy enter relates with the other person is a skill that needs to be cultivated specifically with the person that you're entering relating with, because even if you've picked up relationship skills along the way, you've had several relationships, you've learned what you don't want, you learn what you do want you learn how you wish those dynamics would work. putting them into practice is very different from wishful thinking. And so we want to present you guys with some ideas and some strategies and some elements of awareness in seeds that are planted here that will help you hopefully navigate either coming into a new relationship and a process of building it from a more higher consciousness position from the beginning or taking relationship that already exists, and knowing what questions to ask yourself to start to refine how you relate with that partnership. Because even partners that you're having that seem really good in some ways, but you're having trouble connecting with them, or they seem like you're not sure if they're really your ideal 99% of the time, is because it's beliefs you hold about who that person is, it's beliefs you hold about yourself, and what you think you're worth, and what you think you can find and what you think is better, and how those start to intermingle as lenses that you see your partner through, and they get clouded very, very easily. So we'll talk about how to clean some of those lenses as well as we go through this. So how do you find a conscious partner? You don't you do not? So how do you enter into a conscious relationship, when the partners maybe have done some work? Maybe they haven't done much self awareness work, maybe they're new to this game. And how do you start building the layers of a conscious relationship, as you're starting to enter into a new partnership, when you're getting to know somebody, when you're getting to know yourself better, because maybe you're just starting on this journey, you're starting to dig into some of your patterns, some of your traumas, some of your early life experiences, you're just now learning that maybe they have a really large influence on how your relationship dynamics work. And let me take an aside here that I think is really important, because I don't know if I've mentioned this in this particular podcast, but let's talk about our definitions of love a little bit. So when our mother is pregnant with us, every thing that she experiences, emotionally, physically, these experiences are energies that go through her, and she ends up being our filter as the fetus and in her womb. And as she has these emotional experiences as she has these stories that she tells about what she's experiencing, so she's looking at her husband, and saying, I need you to behave a certain way so that I can feel good so that I can have this kind of experience in my pregnancy. And I need you to do this. And I need you to do do that. And, and the husband is maybe reacting one way or another doesn't matter. They're all programs in one way or another and that all absorbs into the mother. And because you are not yet you don't have your reasoning faculties yet, while your fetus, or your mother acts as that structure that filters that energy through you. And those emotions get implanted in you subconsciously. And so that is the beginning seeds that end up getting planted from your ancestral times from from prenatal times, that create a baseline template for what love is. And so then you're born and the way that your parents interact, the way that your parents deal with their emotions, the way that your parents show love to each other physically or verbally, the way that they show you love or withhold love, what they show you love for, right, whether it's good behavior, or any of these other elements, all of these different interactions, act as installation mechanisms of programs that will show up in your relationship. So if like for me, one of the early life programs that I had was a damsel in distress story. And this showed up really early on in Anastasia in my relationship where there was this element of needing to be the hero in someone else's story, needing to rescue the damsel in distress and so I had a series of relationships that kept having damsels in distress, that would show up that needed rescuing that I would need to sacrifice myself I would need to sacrifice my finances, I need to sacrifice my well being or I need to live in different stress, I need to hold the burdens of these other people. Because if I didn't hold those burdens, they'd run out of money, they need to go move back with their parents, they need to do something with their kids that that I was supporting and preventing from happening. And so I ended up having this really strong damsel in distress story that was imprinted from my mother who I had a rough upbringing, I had a rough childhood for various reasons. And I'm sure I'll talk about that on another podcast, you may have heard it from other chats that I've done in the past. But that program from my mother, from my prenatal times, from my early childhood, where I was constantly needing to rescue her, became a program that showed up in all of my relationships, where I was operating on that self sacrifice in those prenatal programs that were showing up. And it was up to me to take responsibility for learning to nurture myself for learning to not sacrifice myself to rescue somebody else, and to teach the damsel to become empowered herself. And this happened a lot and Anastasia in my dynamic very, very early on when I was starting with color puncture and doing some other things.
Annie Earhart:So in on my end of the spectrum, I learned that you very young, again, from my mom, that you needed to be the damsel in order to be loved so people can show you, you can you know that he really loves you, if he sacrifices for you. That kind of a thing. So energetically, that it was my series of relationships to match,
Ryan Mintz:we create our partners through us and as us so for me, I was already beginning to be aware that I had this damsel in distress story, I had a series of really traumatic relationships, I took some time away saying, you know, I can't repeat this pattern, I need to fix something, whatever is in me that's causing these things to show up. And so I started to go through this process and Anastasia showed up and, and I was presented with opportunities to see this damsel in distress story coming into action and to be able to have a new response to it. And so a couple of things started doing fold. She Of course, had the reverse of that the reason that we came into each other's lives wasn't just this damsel in distress story. But that was one of the elements of our templates that we were able that we shared, that we were able to mirror for each other. So she was the damsel and I was the rescuer. And so we had a matching template that allowed us to learn those lessons and as a result become much more empowered in our relationship. And there's been a series of
Annie Earhart:these, it's not always just like one and done. It's always like that, you know how everyone says it's an onion, like, and you're peeling back the layers. That's exactly it, you're continuing to spiral upward. And
Ryan Mintz:it's not just an onion in terms of peeling the layers of like just the damsel in distress story, that is one component that was was shifted, but those are all connected to, let's say, the umbrella that is nurturing and neglect looking at my partner and saying, stop neglecting me, I need you to behave a certain way. You know, you made these agreements, and we'll talk about agreements in a second, but you made these agreements, and you're not fulfilling these agreements. And you're neglecting me. And that's why these things are happening. And through that, and I noticed this both from Anastasia and through my mother and through some other people I talked to I was like, Oh, this isn't teaching me that I need them to not neglect me anymore. This is teaching me that I need to learn how to not neglect myself, What am I neglecting? and myself? And how am I projecting that into my partner and saying you need to do this for me, because otherwise I'm being neglected. And it's like no, I need to learn to not neglect myself.
Annie Earhart:And this takes a level of self awareness that is a practice and you get more fine tuned in it and you catch it more and you are able to interact with it more as you go along in relationship through these patterns. And you start to notice these similar things show up over and over again, you just get more fine tuned in how you interact with it. So as
Ryan Mintz:you come into these relationships, and you start with your relationships, you have agreements, and most of the time these agreements are nonverbal, they're not actually discussed by you, but you operate in a certain way that you non verbally agreed to behave with each other in a certain way and have certain expectations that arise and you start trusting that they will show up that way because either verbally or non verbally you agreed to behave that way. Now people might think that you want to discuss your your agreements and your relationship because knowing your agreement upfront and creating the document of agreements means that when somebody violates the agreement, they are they you have a right to hold up a boundary and and create consequences and
Annie Earhart:that's honestly that's just not the energy you want to do this with at
Ryan Mintz:all. The thing is your partner gets molded by your energy how you see them Changes who they are, how they see you changes who you are to them in a really significant way. And if you're constantly trying to put a container around them so that they behave a certain way so that you can feel good, that is inherently disadvantageous and disempowering. So if I'm looking at my partner, and I'm saying, well, I can't feel this thing, I can't, I can't be safe, unless I can trust you, I need you to behave a certain way. So I can trust you guarantee to me that I can trust you, you are at the whims of their behavior of what they're looking at, of what you perceive about what they're looking at. And that is inherently disadvantageous. It's so much better to see what you're expecting of them, and figure out how can I give that to myself. And the amazing and amazing things happen, when you start doing that, when you start giving to yourself, what you're expecting your partner to give you, you might think, Oh, well, that I just, I want my partner to give me that I don't want to have to do that for myself, I want to have a partner who can give me those things. Of course you do. But if you cannot give it to yourself, first, your partner will never have the energetic mechanism that moves that causes them to give it to you as well.
Annie Earhart:Not only that, they will always and forever, even if they're conscious or not of it, they will feel that pull from you that that that need like you the energetic like need that you must do, and
Ryan Mintz:there's obligations that end up getting built. And, and this is like this is really nuanced process like this is not an easy thing to do. And this is where so much self awareness comes into play. If you are in a relationship with somebody, and you keep having these dynamics show up that are not your preference, you have to recognize, okay, is this showing up in thwarting my expectation because I believed our agreement was that you make the food, and I pay for the bills in this way, right. And we have this kind of agreement, and this was nonverbal. And then suddenly, you just decided that you weren't going to be making the food for two days in a row and that some other things happened, right. And so then I'm sitting here saying, well, I thought you agreed to make the food all the time. And I agreed to do this. And there's a mismatch in our agreement. So what happens here? What happens here isn't that I am saying, You're breaking and violating my agreement, I need you to behave better, because we agreed to this and you're failing, it's like, No, we are on the same team, we are the same team, we made these agreements so that we could free up spaces of mental real estate and energy and trust that that's taken care of in a certain way. And we're both co creating this, we are both working together to the same goal. We're not fighting and playing a tug of war down here hoping that the other one gives and that you have to find compromise. It's about knowing how these agreements work in these agreements are specifically coordinated to make our relationship more powerful, more empowering, and free up space for us to express in a certain way. So how do we explore that I realized that there's a an agreement that was maybe violated, I have to ask myself, it's like, Okay, were we just not clear on that agreement? Was it because it was nonverbal? And we had these expectations, and one of us had one version of the agreement in our mind, and the other person had a different version of our agreement. So how do we clarify that? We have to learn to say, Hey, no, usually you do this thing. But you didn't do it today, is there a reason that you didn't do it today? And then we can begin to discuss what it was, it's like, well, I had always run on this assumption, or this thought that you were doing X, Y, and Z as part of this team. And I was doing this and the, that's how we kind of had unfolded it. And then we just mentioned that, like, it's not like we need to discuss and refine and argue about it. It's that, Oh, this is what I personally thought this dynamic was, this is what I perceived out of this. And then you say, this is what I had perceived out of this. And then we see how those molds and we've refined that agreement so that we can operate on it better. We can, we can see where we were leaking energy into an unclear agreement about whatever it is, whether it's sexuality or dynamics within the house, or like who's doing what what's like, and also like, what is safe within the relationship and being able to refine those agreements and being able to understand what things are like. So for example, if cheating in most relationships, is just taken for granted in your agreement, that it is really, really wrong. But that is an agreement that you're making with your partner, that that this action of texting somebody or talking to somebody is a violation of your monogamous relationship. And so that's not even verbally agreed most of the time, it's actually taken for granted. But that's actually an agreement that you are making with your partner. And if that is not entirely clear, then you're going to have dynamics like cheating on somebody were in and blaming and, and then you'll never get to the deeper layers of why somebody's going off to cheat why somebody seeing somebody else, why is somebody wanting to go have sex with somebody else, you don't understand the need of that individual person. And you can never get to that layer, because it's always me versus you. And you can never heal those wounds, if you're expecting your partner to behave a certain way so that you can feel good, it's not their job. It's not, it's not their job to do that. So it's so important to know what your agreements are in your relationship. When you are entering into a new relationship, it's not super important that you sit down with a new partner and say, Okay, let's, let's write out our agreements, become friends with the person, communicate with the person as a normal person, do not make your stakes so high. That's the first thing that I will always tell you is your stakes are not very high, nothing is forever, whether it's your perfect partner, you think it's amazing, do not go into something thinking it's permanent, do not go into something thinking it's temporary, none of that matters. Because all of that takes you out of the dynamic that is present on behalf of your energy to help you learn and grow in some way.
Annie Earhart:Oftentimes, what happens is you meet someone and they're exciting and new, and you end up projecting, you project them into the concept of forever, or can I do I see this as a long term thing, and you literally just met them? So don't set yourself up that way.
Ryan Mintz:That's a so that leads us to one of the questions somebody asked us recently is when do you leave a partner? You know, when do you know if the partner is right? When do you know if you should leave a partner. And the thing that I tell them is you don't need to decide that the universe brings people into your life based on your template and your energy. So let's say let's use the example that we used earlier that I have a I had a damsel in distress coding, and she had damsel coding, that energy that we exhibited was radiated out of each of us individually, there are plenty people who radiate those patterns. Now we're radiating that pattern, we're radiating a money pattern, we're radiating a love belief pattern, we're radiating what we believe a relationship is pattern we're doing all this unconsciously. But these are energies that are outputting from us. Now that energy rings from us, and it hits the people that were near it hits Anastasia, it hits her energy hits me, it also hits other people at a yoga studio, wherever you happen to be in that energy if we share a template, or if we share a concept in our template that activates a frequency co resonance in our template. And suddenly, that causes energetically us to change direction slightly. And when that directional change happens energetically we and we continue to just move forward through our lives, we end up crossing paths with that other energy that we matched with. So Anastasia moves forward in her life, I move forward in my life, we have a sharing template that's radiating those sharing templates caused us to face each other in our future, basically. And then we crossed paths. Now, we came into each other's lives. Because we shared a similar template, as we get to know ourselves better as we heal some of these underlying wounds. As we learn about the other person as they heal our energy atmosphere in the container changes. Now sometimes one partner changes faster than the other partner, or one partner changes in a dramatic way. Let's say you're in an abusive relationship, and you finally became empowered and you change your beliefs about yourself, well, your energetic rate against changed when when that resonance changes your direction that your energy is facing changes. So what starts to happen here, you start to have repulsion in that relationship. And events start to be created based on your own internal energy, that lead to the orchestration of a breakup that lead to the orchestration naturally of you guys parting ways and resonating with somebody else. And so the same thing can happen in any relationship, it's not our job to say, Is this the right thing or the wrong thing, every relationship that shows up into your life, whether it's short, or it's long, or it's evil, or it's passionate is you it is based on your energy, it's based on your templates, even if it's not your preference, those energies come into your life to show you the energy that's in your template, so that you can say, I don't want this energy in my template, I want to operate a different way. And you get to see it, and then you change it. And now your relationship will evolve organically. But if you were trying to force your relationship to be a certain way, if you're trying to say, Okay, I met this partner, and I need to know by Wednesday, whether they are my perfect partner so I can know if I can have kids with them. And if I can build a house and all these things, and you're projecting yourself way into the future, you're not understanding that you don't have control of those things. Even if you're sitting there weighing whether you should stay in the relationship or go because you're like, I'm not sure if I'm really feeling the thing that I want to feel. I'm not sure if I'm really feeling the love that I want to feel in this relationship? I'm not sure if I'm really attracted to this person. All of those things that you don't feel, are because you have beliefs about yourself, you have beliefs about the person, you have beliefs about what relationships should feel like. Now what has happened to so many people, because they have so much prenatal trauma early in their life, they come into a relationship, that is exactly what they're asking for. The friendship is there, the communication is there, the ease is there. But what's not there. I don't feel anything. I don't feel those butterflies. I don't feel that excitement. Maybe I don't love this person. But what you don't realize is those butterflies, that excitement that you think is Love is a distortion that was implanted in you in childhood, so that you believed that was loved. And why is that there because it's meant to help you refine what love
Annie Earhart:is, and you get to choose that for yourself. Ultimately, that is the that's, that's what we're doing. And if you're out there looking to better your relationship, make it more conscious. Or if you're like, looking for a conscious relationship, if you're single, don't mistake, the things that Disney has told us is love. Like we don't need a whirlwind romance, we don't need the grand gestures, or the cat and mouse stuff that literally does not need to be there to create what you're actually looking to create. Those are, I would say symptoms of these distorted relational energetics that are prevalent in the world at the moment. And
Ryan Mintz:that's why it's so important to kind of to always come back to yourself. So when you're saying, Oh, well, this partner meets so many criteria, but I'm bored. That's almost a sure indicator that this is exactly the relationship you've been calling in. And you have to learn patience in a certain way. Because what's happening is your beliefs about yourself are filtering how you see that partner. And because that filter is in place, all the love that you could feel all the freedom that you could feel all the expressiveness that you could allow out of you is being filtered out because of that filter about who you think you are, and how you think you should relate and who you think that person is, and who you think that person can be. So it's so important to really take that personal responsibility for yourself so that when you are interacting with a new person, or you're interacting with somebody that you've been with for a while, you can immediately stop saying, I need this from you. How can you instead say, How can I give this to myself. And the more you do that, the more your partner will show up and give you the thing that you're already giving to yourself.
Annie Earhart:It's bizarre how it happens. And you hear it almost as a cliche, give the thing you want to yourself first, and that will appear in your life and is 1,000,000,000% true.
Ryan Mintz:So if you want to feel nurtured, you have to learn where you're not nurturing yourself. If you want more attention, you have to see where you're not paying attention to yourself. If you want to have a more trustworthy relationship, you need to see where you don't trust yourself, and cultivate those things in yourself first, so that you are fully trusting of yourself so that you don't need to trust your relationship and then what happens, your relationship becomes anchored, it becomes trustworthy, it becomes safe, but you have to do it first.
Annie Earhart:Yeah, that that once the energetic start to get cleaner and cleaner, it just it is there it materializes. So let me ask you this, a lot of people are doing the self work and things like that. And in the beginning, what I had some trouble discerning was how do you become interdependent to where you're not operating in mee, mee mee land, like my way or the highway rules? Or you're also not being a doormat to the other person? Where are those dynamics and boundaries?
Ryan Mintz:This is one of those topics that people want a really linear answer to If This Then That. And it's a much more multi dimensional experience than this. There's just so many layers that contribute to how that dynamic works specifically in your relationship. And even if it's just a roommate dynamic or a dynamic with your your family. There's just so many different pieces of it. So we want to look at first defining what's the difference between a independent relationship and interdependent relationship and a codependent relationship. So trauma, bonding patterns, and codependency are born out of the programs that we adopted in childhood about what love is, those codependent patterns are the patterns that we adopted through Miss definitions of love. And then we operate on those usually on autopilot, and they show up in a lot of ways in terms of what we expect of our partners, and what we feel obligated to do in our relationships or how we feel obligated to behave or what we feel shame about. All of those things come out in our codependent programs that show up and you're never really going to remove all of your codependent programs. Before your relationship. You can't remove your codependent programs outside of relationship but you're going to bring them to the center. By default, because you're redefining love in that relationship dynamic, and you're bringing you with you, so you have this codependent relationship. And ideally, your desire, at least listening to this podcast is to move away from having codependent relationships. So there's a healing process, there's a self awareness process. That's not quite what this episode of the podcast is going to be about. We can talk about healing that stuff more specifically, in another episode, but what I want to talk about now is the difference between independence and interdependence in that relationship, the whole idea with a relationship, the whole point of a relationship is a co creation, it's to make a life richer than you could make if you were doing it by yourself. So let's say that you've learned that you keep trying to have received nurturing from your mother and you're trying to receive nurturing from your partner, and neither of them are delivering the nurturing in the way that you want. And so now you're like, Okay, I'm going to learn this lesson. So instead of me asking for nurturing from my partner, I'm going to only give it to myself, and I'm going to ignore them, which is kind of the first thing that you tend to do is like, okay, they're not giving it to me, I'm going to give it to myself. And then you kind of do that, but you have kind of like a tude about it. Right? You know, it's that girl power thing that's out there. That is kind of artificial girl power. And it's, it's one of those things that there are so many layers here. So first, when you when you notice that you are asking for more nurturing, that you're not receiving, asking for that attention that you're not receiving. And you start to say, Okay, I'm going to give that to myself, the quality of the attention you give to yourself as it matters, and you learn to give yourself better quality attention as you practice this. So initially, yeah, you're going to become too independent, because what happens, how do you balance in these dynamics,
Annie Earhart:you need to go all the way to the other end, you swing that pendulum all the way and then you figure out where the sweet spot is
Ryan Mintz:for you. Exactly. So you're, you're, you're always going to go to the extremes. So you can eventually find that gray area where the contrast actually exists. And that's how you start to learn, you're not going to go from the extreme of one end to the balanced side, it just, maybe you can in some categories, but for the most part, you're going to swing to the exact opposite, so that you can refine it. And that can happen really quickly, depending on how you think and the type of relationship communication that you've cultivated up till this point. So what you're going to start doing is taking responsibility for yourself. And you want to do this in all areas as best you can, because what's going to happen is you're going to take responsibility at the level of self awareness that you currently have, and you're going to miss 10,000 areas that you could be responsible for. But you're never going to get to those unless you start unless you start recognizing all of these dynamics, as part of you. Now, everything is co creation. So if you come into this, and you take responsibility for everything that's happening, you have to recognize a bigger picture that exists. It's not just you in a bubble next to somebody else in a bubble, your energies are both present, your energies are both creating the dynamic you're experiencing. It's not even that one of your energies creates more of the dynamic than the other. But your perception about yourself influences how you respond to their energy, your your beliefs about yourself, and how you feel and what you think you need to what you deserve, and what you think you need to have in the relationship and how you think things should be communicated and how things should be worked through in a certain way those beliefs are going to contribute to your ability to communicate. So there's two levels of this one is responsibility for yourself where you're aware of those energies and saying, Okay, I'm going to stop asking for him to be different than he is. But you have to also recognize that he, how can you support him? or How can you support her in the bigger Gestalt goals of the relationship? Because so often, we get stuck in bickering at this one over one little thing. And we don't zoom out and say, Okay, what outcome of this discussion will make our entire relationship clearer and better. So right now, we're arguing about something because it's something that is not my preference is happening, and I want to fix it because it doesn't feel good. And instead of fixing it, what I'm recommending, is understanding why it arises in the first place. So how do you transition from independence and isolation and separating yourself to a co creation with your partner is by recognizing that, Okay, I need to serve myself. And whether that partner knows at that time, how they're contributing to the environment, or not shouldn't matter. It's okay. I see how they're behaving. I see their energy. I see what energy I'm responsible for and what part I'm playing. I don't need to draw a wall here. I need to build a bridge. And so how do I build a bridge here so that we can get on the same team. It is always about building a bridge, never about building a wall. And this is so so important because so many lessons about boundaries are about keeping out unwanted behavior. So many people will take what I said about agreements, and use that to keep out unwanted behavior. And any unwanted behavior that shows up is wanted. Part of you wants that behavior to show up in your relationship part of you wants to be angry part of you wants to have those kinds of fights and drama, because that part of you believes that's love. And so you call it out, and why do you call it out so you can see the distortion in it that it's not actually love that it's not consciously what your preference is. Only subconsciously, it feels like home to you. So then you can take a different level of responsibility here saying, not just this is my shit, and that's his shit. But this is our shit. How do we then create a better relationship dynamic as a result of this debate arising through us? So how do you avoid being self absorbed in your relationship, it's really easy to say, I'm really considerate, and then you have all these areas where you're inconsiderate in the relationship. And that's where your agreements come in, is understanding what you expect of your partner and where where that dynamic has been pre determined. So that when you are expecting a certain type of engagement from your partner, and they're not delivering it the way that you want, it's not one of the things that I see happening a lot in these conscious relationships, or even just people who are becoming more conscious and learning to hold more boundaries is something that showing up in the way that they want. And so they're like, Oh, I need to learn to speak my truth. Let me speak my truth in this relationship. And let me hold these boundaries. Let me make sure that I am fortified. Let me make sure that I am safe in this relationship, which means anything. I don't like being here, any dynamic that I don't like anything that I'm feeling I need to speak about my my throat chakra is opening up. Let me speak about it. And so what happens, you start complaining about everything, every little thing that that goes against your your doctrine, is you have to hold a boundary to it. And then you start arguing with everything. And then you start bringing complaining about everything that's going on, because you're like, Oh, well, my throat chakra is open, I must need to tell everybody everything. But you're not then reflecting, you're not then letting that settle so that you can learn more about yourself and why these dynamics are coming up energetically.
Annie Earhart:Well, I think people go there, because they might have just learned about boundaries and are still practicing. Well, that version of boundaries. And it if you're coming from like a codependent space, a place of people pleasing all your life, and you're just learning that, Oh, I'm worthy of these things, too. And you just like slap that thing everywhere, all over the place. And I did this for sure. I thought that that speaking my truth was the way to do it. And then the world would kind of like rearrange itself around what my needs work, because that's from my from my level of understanding of the time. Oh, that's how it works. All I have to do is be brave enough to speak my truth. And things will be fine. And that's not quite how it works.
Ryan Mintz:It's a really hard balance. And you have to learn not to speak your truth to your partner, you have to learn to speak your truth to yourself, who yourself, I've said it a million times, you have to be honest with yourself, you have to be honest with yourself about what your expectations are, you have to be honest with yourself about what you're feeling. You have to be honest with yourself with what you think should be happening that isn't you have to be honest with yourself about what you're afraid of. You have to be honest with yourself about what you feel shame about. You have to be honest with yourself about what your desires are, and what you judge yourself, for within those desires. If you can't be honest with yourself from the beginning, if you can't speak your truth to yourself, then you're never going to be able to be on the same. You're just you don't know where you are. If you can't be truthful for yourself, you don't know who you are, you don't know where you are. You You have an A morphus idea of what those things are. But because there's this undefined truth that you haven't explicitly visited for yourself, you don't know what it actually looks like. You just have an idea of it a feeling a sense of it. And because of that you don't know where you are.
Annie Earhart:So let's talk about let's talk about this. I'll share this from my in my previous relationship I had I went to a psychologist at some point because things were Rocky and we're trying to figure it out. And I remember the very first time I talked with her, I was so confused as to why I was not happy. Because and I said these words to her. I said I have the perfect relationship. I don't get it. And then she's like, oh, let me just stop you right there. Like, what does that mean to you? And why do you think that this exact version is the only way to do it. And so we had to dig in a little bit. And the things that you are taught that make you happy are generally not correct. You have to define that stuff for yourself and learn yourself through trial and error to figure out those little details of your life and how you want it to go.
Ryan Mintz:So why did You think that relationship was perfect before she talked to you?
Annie Earhart:Okay. Well, we had everything that on the outside, I believed should make me happy. We had this awesome house, we had this awesome dog, we had an RV. And we traveled and people liked us as a couple, you know, we were like the fun one, some of the fun ones and all these things. And he loved me and would do anything for me and all this stuff. And I just wasn't, I still felt kind of dead inside. And I didn't realize this until I had talked to her. But those are the reasons. We had all these things that on the outside, I thought made a relationship work and good and happily ever after. And ultimately,
Ryan Mintz:none of those things are really, that's not how we get energy template works. The external is you can have those same exact things and be miserable, you can have those same exact things and be blissful. It's all about the energy, and what building blocks are used to cultivate, those are energetic to begin with. And it's important to realize that just because the thing looks a certain way from the outside eyes doesn't mean internally, the energetic mechanisms, and how that energy is exchanged between partners and how that energy is communicated between partners is the same in the unhappy and happy relationships. And that's just, it's never because the partner is behaving a certain way, that's your preference or not your preference, it's always about the beliefs about that experience itself, because you could look at someone's undesirable behavior. And you could be completely okay with it, it's not a big deal, you can navigate it like a champion, or you could be triggered by it, you could argue with it, you could try to get it to stop, you can try and give ultimatums or
Annie Earhart:you could be silent and be resentful forever, which was my cup of tea for a very long time
Ryan Mintz:and soup. And that's common. So let's talk about fear of being seen. Because a lot of times that you could have a seemingly really great relationship, but you're afraid of being seen. And this shows up on social media that shows up in relationship. Let's talk specifically about being vulnerable in relationship. So I don't like the word vulnerable, because nobody wants to be vulnerable in the relationship, but they want is to cultivate safety. And that's a really important reframe. Because if you keep saying, well, they don't give me a space to be vulnerable. It's like, Well, what do you need to be vulnerable? I need to be safe. It's like, okay, so who creates the safety, who makes you feel safe? Why does someone outside of you make you feel something, it is your job to then control from within the things you choose to feel. So if you want to feel safe in your relationship, so that you can feel vulnerable, the goal is not to feel vulnerable, I don't want to sit naked in front of an audience and have them all have knives that they're going to throw at me that is vulnerable. What I want to feel is safe to express safe to express when I want to feel is safe to say the things that are on my mind, not to need my partner to fix them. But to say I need to say these out loud, can we workshop these together not to say I need you to change so that I can feel better not to say that coddle
Annie Earhart:me and make me feel better about this thing. So I feel safe, saying it like that's not an either.
Ryan Mintz:It's never that what it is, is first to cultivate safety within yourself, you realize that even if you speak something up, that you're not going to die, that your world isn't going to end that 99% of the time when you are vulnerable, or you are speaking a truth that you feel shameful about that it almost all of the time ends up in a growth moment in a positive interaction in a positive conversation that teaches you more about yourself. But it takes a while to cultivate the beliefs in safety. And if you keep going into all of your relationships saying, well this person won't, isn't honest, this person won't let me be vulnerable and I'm really craving vulnerability. I'm really craving know you're craving safety, you're craving connection, you're craving all these things that you need to learn to give to yourself, you cannot connect to somebody else. If you don't first connect to yourself. You cannot feel safe in a relationship. If you cannot cultivate safety on your own.
Annie Earhart:And you'll continue seeing these patterns you will bring them into every single relationship you will have moving forward if you don't address them. So it's not going to be like you're going to leave this person and someone else out there is going to provide all these things for you. No, no, that's not how it works either. You're always
Ryan Mintz:learning to give them to yourself first and then the next partner will show up differently where even if the same partner and you start giving them to yourself, you're gonna find that that naturally changes your dynamic in your relationship in a really distinct and powerful way and it can happen almost like at the at the flick of a switch where you change a belief about yourself or you change your belief about your partner who they what they mean in your future. Or what their behavior should be. And you change that in your mind, you're like, wait, I can give that to myself, I don't need my partner to be different, I don't need to control them in this way, I don't need to be afraid of them, abandoning me or any of these things,
Annie Earhart:and all that bound energy gets kind of released and isn't keeping you trapped there anymore. So with the fear of being seen, a part of something that comes with that is dealing with the shame that is triggered. So sometimes, when you don't feel safe enough to say something, and you like, muster up the courage to finally do it. And then you are like, in this deep pool of shame after you, after you say something, or maybe even before, like, how do you deal with all the shame that gets triggered with with speaking up and being seen,
Ryan Mintz:shame needs safety, for one, shame also needs to be explored on your own first, when shame comes up in the relationship, it's a gift. It's allowing you to see areas of yourself that you have beliefs about that you have preconceived notions that you build that you look at as as hard facts that are really not hard facts. And because you hold those as hard facts, when you look at the story that you're telling. So let's say you have like sexual shame, or you cheated on somebody in the past, and you're afraid of talking about even that person, or you're afraid of talking about your behavior in the past, all of these shames these are areas of Shadow Work, if you want to call it that, these are areas of yourself that you have not integrated, these are areas of yourself that you have kept separate from yourself because you judge them as bad. And when you judge them as bad, you are effectively fragmenting a part of your personality, you're fragmenting a part of your experience, you're fragmenting a part of your being and and keeping it separate from you. And when it's kept separate from you in that way it has control over you, it is able to energize your controls in a certain way. And the game there is to look at that shame or look at the story. Because every shame you have has a story connected to it. Because you know, if you have sexual shame, you have maybe a religious upbringing, that religious upbringing is causing you to look at your sexuality and your desires and your sensations even in a specific light. And it causes you to take one path versus another cause you not to explore your sexuality because you feel like it's taboo or dirty, or whatever. And those areas of shame, are meant for you to read, they're part of you. So part of it is you have to give yourself permission to want what you want, you have to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. And if you have that judgment, initially, you're saying, okay, I feel shame because of cheating on my ex at this point. And so you keep having that come to mind and you feel shameful about it. And you're, you're talking about it, but you're like, well, should I filter this part of the story out? Should I keep this part of the story out, they don't really need to know that. If I tell them that it's kind of embarrassing for me, and I don't want them to judge me for what I did in my past. And what you want to look at is is look at that story. Look at the thing you're trying to hide, and don't hide it from yourself. Remember, we have to be truthful with ourselves. And so you have to look at that and say, Okay, I did do that thing. That thing is a part of my life. And that's it. It is a part of my life. I've done it, it's okay that I did it. I learned a lot from it, I am not necessarily. I am the person who holds all of the things that I've done. I'm a bigger personality. I'm not just a personality made out of one thing that I've done. I'm personality made out of many, many, many different experiences. And those experiences have enriched my life. And everyone has areas of their life where they feel shame because they tell a story. And you can tell a different story about that thing. There are plenty of people who you know, you have a sexual shame of some kind. And the person next to you doesn't have that same shame. And they can flaunt the same thing that you're deathly afraid of. Why is that? Because their beliefs about it are different. And so your game of integrating your shadow aspects or your shame or, or learning to, to embody it more in your relationship is first cultivating safety but also building being willing to really explore what you think those things beliefs mean about you. So if you cheated on somebody, who do you think you are? Because you cheated? What would What do people and I'm putting this in quotes, what do people think about you for being a cheater? What happens if you're a cheater? What happens if you're an asshole? Can you be an asshole? Can you be a cheater? Can you give yourself permission to be those things and be like, Oh, I am a cheater? I am an asshole. Alright. When you integrate that it's the same thing as you know, a bully coming up to you and saying your farts smell. You're like, Okay, I have smelly farts. What do you want to know? And the more you can integrate these areas where, where they're trying to poke your shame, where you're trying to poke these things that you think are unworthy that you think are not good about you, the more you can say these are good things about me or that they don't matter. like can you make it real event, can you make these things you feel bad about irrelevant so that when you go to interact, it doesn't matter how they respond to you, you can't control their response. So let them respond however they're going to respond. And because their response doesn't have anything really to do with you, it has to do with their own energy, their own filters, you can begin to express in a completely different way and grow out of your shame, because there's no longer any potential harm involved in navigating it.
Annie Earhart:So as we are working through our own stuff, there comes a time where you do want to communicate something to your partner, that is a need for you, and you would love for them to fulfill that if their free will wanting to. So how do you communicate something that is a need to your partner, when you are also at the same time, you know, supposed to meet your own needs,
Ryan Mintz:let's assume that you've already started trying to meet your own needs. And let's simplify it even further to say you're trying to meet your own needs, and you're busy one day, and you could use some help, you're meeting your own needs. That does not mean that you do everything by yourself. So there's a distinct difference between meeting your needs, and getting help in a way that can enrich your life. So when you want help, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. There's nothing shameful and asking for help. At the end of the day, the goal is to co create a relationship, the goal is to create a container for that relationship and right in which you're both responsible for yourself and to a large extent your your whole as individuals and you become whole as individuals by fulfilling your own needs emotionally. But there are also physical needs. There are also other types of needs that are not necessarily the responsibility of your partner. You're not plastering them as the responsibility of the partner, but it sure is nice when they meet them. So how do you balance that what you do is you realize, first, how can I meet this need myself? How can I give to myself what I'm expecting my partner to give to me, that way, I don't need them to do it for me so that I don't get disappointed or discouraged or rejected. When I go to ask for something. What happens when we do this is 99% of the time when your energy has changed. And this is hard to understand when you're on the wrong side of this fence. But when you have started giving to yourself what you expect of your partner, when you have learned to clarify your agreements, when you have looked at your relationship as a co creative environment. That is how do I enrich this together, whether your partners participating or not, that changes the desires within each of the partners in frees up real estate energetically that allows them to meet more of your needs. So even though you're sitting there saying I need to meet my own needs, what ends up happening is more of your needs are supported by the partnership and by the partner without you expecting it without you needing it without you needing to ask for it in addition to its so that whole idea that how do I communicate my needs with my partner? Most of the time, the layers of the the negative layers of that the the the challenging layers of that have already been solved by you supporting yourself. The other layers of things are, Hey, can you go pick up something from the store? And there's nothing wrong with teamwork? You want teamwork. You don't want to eliminate teamwork from your relationship. You want to enrich teamwork. And how do you enrich teamwork in your relationship by eliminating various variables of of mental programming that get in the way of teamwork?
Annie Earhart:And then it just flows a lot more easily? without you needing to prod poke pull at it.
Ryan Mintz:Just to add one more layer to that what if the other partner isn't participating? What if you're doing all this consciousness work and your partner isn't participating? Well, you can't force your partner to do anything. You can't force your partner to be self aware. And all you're doing when you're saying Well, this was your energy. Well, this was your energy. Well, this was this was you're just projecting all over them. And you're trying to again to control them so that they behave a certain way so that you can feel good when you look at them. Let them be human. And what happens when you stop needing them to be more conscious when you stop needing them to do the work and you focus on the work. When you focus on growth. One naturally, you're going to see them differently. Naturally, you're going to stop needing them to behave a certain way so that you can feel good, naturally your energy is going to change and that energy may in richer relationship. It may bring you closer it may lead to your partner doing more CO creative work within that container. It may also lead to events that cause you guys to go in different directions and that's okay too. What you don't want to get in the habit of is like trying to predetermine how to leave the relationship and how to break the relationship or how to fix the relationship. You need to become a human in a co creative container and not a micromanager. Not a micromanager and allow The universe and your higher intelligence and the energies that flow through you to coordinate that relationship such that where you need lessons, those relations, those lessons materialize, where you where it's time for you to learn lessons with other partners or learn on your own or have different sort of circumstances arise. The energy that you embody will orchestrate that on your behalf, you don't need to say, well, should I stay with this person? Or should I leave? Should I force this person to behave a different way? Or should I say it's like no, solve the problems that you can solve for yourself, gain greater discernment around what you're desiring and feeling. And that means stop Miss translating what love is. So if you're in a relationship, and you know that there's codependent tendencies, you're going to bring them with you. So you might as well do the work as it's being presented to you already, otherwise, you're going to go into another relationship. And that same dynamic is going to be present, maybe with a different language, maybe with a slightly different dynamic, but the energy is still going to be present. So you're going to have to heal it one way or another. And that may be right, you might go to that next relationship and heal it there. And that will happen naturally by the universe orchestrating those things, and you don't need to control it, you don't need to guess you don't need to worry about it. You don't need to manifest the perfect relationship.
Annie Earhart:You know, those video games that are story driven, and you come in, you're married character comes across to another character, and they're having a conversation and you have like four options of ways he can respond, you can respond in a funny way, you can respond in an aggressive way, in a thoughtful way. And whatever each one of those responses opens up different storylines, each one of those responses also closes down certain storylines. So that's how the narrative progresses, when you are working on yourself coming into a relationship or situation, ship, whatever, and you are the one that is in charge of choosing your response. That's where your power lies, every single time every single time you go and see where your responsibilities are. And you can focus there to look and see what your what your actual responses. And every time you're going to be, the person that you're talking to is going to be affected in certain ways. And they will alter their behavior depending on the energy that you bring. So even if you're the only quote unquote, only one working on stuff, the way you respond in the way, the energy that you bring will shift the storyline of your relationship,
Ryan Mintz:your partner doesn't need to participate. It's better if they do, it's more enriching in a way, if you do, it'll accelerate faster. If you do, but there's no endedness there's no destination, there's no perfect relationship. Even mine and Anastasia's relationship is constantly evolving, we're constantly digging out deeper layers of certain programs, whether it's programs around money, or it's programs around relationship, or its programs around sexuality, or its beliefs around children or, or any of these different things that that come to the surface through conversation, we realize that there are programs that are there and that they're fun to explore. And we happen to enjoy that part of the puzzles, that sort of type of exploration, but it doesn't require the other partner for those for you to notice those parts of yourself. And so when you're starting to talk and you recognize your own beliefs about a subject, or you recognize at least your feelings about a subject, those feelings can lead you to the beliefs or maybe your beliefs can lead you to certain narratives and feelings. And you can explore those for yourself without needing to have a response from your partner in a certain way. And you can grow as an individual, which will change your energy, which will change your templates, which will change your experience of your relationship, it'll change your experience of your reality. And it'll make most of these things that you think are important externally that you think you need to control that you think need to have the right control criteria, those will all mold to match your template, your experience of them will mold to match your template, a terrible relationship can mold into a wonderful relationship simply by you changing your behavior, recognizing that you can't change the other person. And just by doing that, these things, these dynamics can really dramatically change. I mean, for the longest time, you were, because I saw so much more than you do did at the beginning. There were so many times where you were triggered and upset. And were were thinking I was gaslighting you and thinking I was doing all these things, because I just saw such a bigger picture than you did. And you were so upset so many times until you started to take responsibility for yourself. And to be able to navigate what those sensations were and what those stories were. And they started to dig out in a different way. And you started to repair the damage to your templates. And it changed our dynamic because you stopped projecting that onto me You stopped seeing me through that lens. And when you stop seeing me through that lens, the thing you thought was a certain type of behavior wasn't even there. And it allowed a whole barrier to be removed from our ability to communicate from our ability to interact from our ability to feel safe in that container. I want to leave you guys with that today. There There's so much we can talk about in terms of relationship. There's so many layers to it because relationships are our biggest mirrors. They teach us so much. And I want to leave you with this idea that you don't need a relationship to learn. But a relationship is a beautiful place to learn about yourself. And if you enter your relationships with the idea that you're going to learn from it, that you're going to grow from it, that you're, your partner will mirror mirror back to your own energy in a specific way, allowing you to alter how you perceive things, every relationship, whether it's a life partner, or a friendship or relationship with your family, everything will change. Thank you for listening.
Annie Earhart:Until next time,